Nancy

You've asked for a partner in crime

And she would've been your ride or die 

Cause you picked her up from the streets 

Of internet dating and you raised her 

As you would your own: 

Obedient, conflicted and careless.

People your age dare not get involved 

"They ask for too much from me,

You seem to just enjoy my company"

Those words weren't compliments

But what do 15 year olds know?

She was obedient, conflicted and careless.

She moved into your modest castle

And slowly learned it was a golden cage.

She couldn't think, breathe or exist 

Without bothering your demons 

So she reduced herself to nothing 

As she was obedient, conflicted and careless.

She stayed for a decade on your side,

Endured the process of your casting 

Yet somehow you got blindsided when you

Reaped the fruit of your own darkness.

She left you with nothing as nothingness you wanted,

Cause she was obedient, conflicted and careless.

Unstable weather

Sitting by the balcony door,

Having a cigarette while 

It's pissing down outside and

I'm trying to blow the smoke out.

A lightning makes me aware 

Of my septum piercing

And I'm calculating my chances 

Of getting an electrical lobotomy.

Tis the season

It's hard to let yourself feel loved

When you can't get out of bed,

Brush your teeth or wash your sheets,

Change your clothes... cause nothing fits 

Anymore. And then you remember

It's the seasonal and monthly curse.

Cause every month feels like September,

And every day's a Monday. No purpose,

Nothing is strong enough to get you going,

You're always sad, your eyes stopped glowing.

 

I would let you

Wrap your tentacles 

Around my soul 

In a tight embrace.

And as you squeeze it

You'd fill up the holes of

Surface craters dripping

Sweet and sour waters.

You're digging for the core

Of my surrendered being 

From opposite directions,

You seem to have that reach.

And I would allow you

To rip me up in pieces 

Just so I could watch you

Devour my remains.

Cotton head

My head is numb

And my chest is on fire,

Well I just can't help

Feeling like I'm dying;

Just like the leaves are

Rusting and drying

Falling off their branches

Laying all together on the ground

Onto a beautiful carpet of sad colours.

Waiting for a step so they can make a sound:

The noise of their bodies being crushed.

We do not talk to the dead

Darkness begins to set over September 

And moody flowers are in bloom.

Nights are colder and we remember 

That spooky season is almost upon us as

Skeletons are trembling in the closets

And ghosts are emerging from their graves.

So sage your home and charge your crystals 

Under the light of a full moon.

Place some salt in the corners of your room,

Burn some incense and cleanse your decks, 

Light some candles for your spells 

To rid yourself of uninvited guests.

My closest friends

Today I'm feeling lonely.

'Least I got anxiety to hold me.

It's always been there for me,

I call it instinct but it's mostly fear 

Of a future that will never happen. 

The monsters in my head 

Have always been scarier 

Than the ones under my bed.

Then there's depression,

Sitting on my shoulders

Like a heavy mantle 

Of doom and gloom,

Ruining my posture.

Or like an itchy woven blanket 

Laying on my naked body 

On a sweaty summer day.

Farewell

I'm walking down the path of forgotten moments

Stroking their shadows as I make my way past

Breathing in the spores of what could've been 

Getting high from the endless possibilities

Until my defenses kick in and I start choking.

 

Then I split my hatred on those around me 

Confused witnesses to my own self destruction 

Infecting them with my mentality,

Amorality 

Seems to be what gets them to remember me.

NDA

If I'm too quiet 

Too loud 

Too nice 

Too rude 

Too nurturing

Too cold 

Too manic 

Too depressed 

Too happy 

Too serious

Too caring 

Too unbothered 

If I'm too much for you,

Then honey

Go find less.

Tidal wave

Your waves are scattering my thoughts 

Like pebbles and seashells on the shore;

And whilst most of them may be intact 

The broken ones hide gemstones and pearls 

That you won't get to see.

So bring in your tides, 

Then take them away. 

Try and move me if you can,

I won't assume you'll stay 

For long enough to make an impact.

Balance

Are you getting comfortable walking on that tightrope? 

I see you juggling your feelings like they're someone else's. 

You took the role of a clown too seriously, as if it's the only thing you'd ever commit to.

Can't you see the public gasping every time you lose your balance? 

What happens when you fall?

Which side will you land on?

You know the thread is very fine and the weight of your choices is breaking it down.

The public is stunned by your charm and insanity,

They could watch you risk your life and they'd be entertained.

You will never belong.
You will never create life.
You will never have abundance.
You will never have love.
You will never be heard.
You will never be seen.
You will never find god.

Outside yourself.

Everything I am
Everything I do
Everything I get
Everything I love
Everything I wish for
Everything I seek
Is within myself.

The seed

When I decided to turn my back to the sun
and make myself small enough
to fit into the cold and moist ground
where I could hide from it,
I didn't realise that the sun would still continue to exist
and shine its way towards me.

I tried to sit still and hidden
thinking maybe it won't find me
and I would have had me for myself for the winter,
forgetting death doesn't last
as much as I would want it to.

As I have planted myself once again
in what I thought was frozen soil
I began to feel the warmth of life melting over me
and I drowned in my own fear.

My shell then cracked into a thousand pieces
and the pain made me sprout out of the ground
leaving me fearless and naked into the morning light.

I looked up and found that the sun was still there,
Waiting patiently for my return.

But when I tried to stand tall in gratitude
my roots clenched deeper into the ground
reminding me of where and who I am supposed to be.

They must've forgotten they were part of me,
and since I've already been dead
I've learned that there is nothing worse
than being alive without living.

For I am made of ground and stars
And I was born in love and light.
The Earth is my nourishing mother
And the Sun is my protective father
And I am all that is in between.

Today I got expelled out of nature's rotting womb into the coldness and immorality of the ignorant society, and got raised by docile wolves who've forgotten how to hunt, spending their existance on filthy infected needles while staring at the sky with their mouths open, in hope that something will, someday fall out of the sky to fill their insatiable guts up to the empty pots that took place of their hearts. The fire is there, there's no need for ignition as it has always been burning, waiting.
But I am just a tube that brings nothing but changing drafts to their fire, as I am as empty as their hearts, disowning everything I am and I have, for I have nothing and I am nothing but a black hole, sucking the world's joy and pain in, trying to live off it, although my hunger too, never ends. All the bliss and the struggle that exists could never fill me up, for I feel it, but I don't understand it. So I watch the sun and the earth trying to feed me in despair, trying to breathe life into me, but there is nothing to breathe into, as long as I am not there.

Everytime I leave
I feel like I forget something.
I check my money,
my phone,
my cigarettes,
my keys-
they're all in place.
I only realise later on
through my journey
that I forgot to take
my heart.

Don't fight
for what you love.
Better yet
Don't fight for anything
In life,
Just float around.
Let the blowing wind
Carry you,
Then get mad at it.

Live without passion
And live without love.
For what good is love
If it runs from you?
Love should always stay
No matter if you
Burn it down
Or push it away.

Contrast

When you have an experience of any kind, don't forget about the contrast of it.
Is light without the darkness surrounding it still light?
Is love without the fear of losing it still love? If you've never had it, you don't know it's missing.
The hardness of a tree trunk is given by the softness of the hand that is touching it.
The guilt one feels is given by the empathy that rises from hurting another.
Egoism is hidden in altruism when expecting appreciation.
Loneliness is what follows a deep connection.
The awareness of "bad" feelings is proportional felt with the unawareness of good times.

Breaking habits

Routine: a set of customary or unchanging and often mechanically performed activities or procedures. Think about that for a minute. Think about it now, because you sure don't do it while you compulsively do the same thing over and over again every day, just because you're used to do it. Because it's part of your life, part of who you are, right? 

Wrong. We often get confused about who we really are. Do you let your routines define you as a person? If you do, what do you think will happen once you have to break one of these habits? Are you less of who you think you are? And if most of your routines are shared with one person, things can get even worse.

We get attached to our routines. We attach to them so badly we often confuse them for being more than they are. We identify with our habits to the extent that it hurts when we have to brake them. And there's no exception when it comes to shared routines. 

One thing that most people don't notice when it comes to relationships is the bond we create through routine. Whether it's healthy or unhealthy, whether it feels really good or really bad, it's something we might have identified with. And breaking this chain can feel like you've been torn apart into pieces and you have to pick them up and rebuild yourself.

You're not broken. It might hurt, but it can heal. You are so much more than your disintegrating shell. And if your shell is breaking, it might be so you can focus on what's hidden within. 

Think of this situation like having a blank canvas you can put something new on. Point 0. A place where you can grow. This time you can do it by yourself, so it would most likely be your choice if you decide to break a habit or not. Once you gain the understanding of routine attachment and add a little mindfulness to it, it should get easier.